What are the most atrocious video games you've ever had the displeasure of playing? We're talking Superman 64-quality here.

HEY NOW

I SEE THAT TOPIC AS A DIRECT WAY TO AVOID AN ESSAY FROM ME!!! THIS IS RACISM AT IT'S HIGHEST DEGREE-

or not..

but oh well.

Lalalalalalallalalalallalalalalla *boom*

-Weld-dar

This is another example of The POS dictatoship At its worst! I say we make weldar the new king of POS and overthrow Soap and once we've done that we'll win a million dollars and teach Steve how to be a working normal citicen and teach SV not to be creepy and teach me not to be a ego maniac ;)

-KingRick

(From Tenda)

Far be it from I to slander anyone; and far be it from I to point fingers. But it is painfully obvious that some corroboration, that there was at the very least some shared planning between the Devil and whomever was evil enough to create Saga Frontier 2. It's not that there are hints of evil in the game; it's not that there are traces and taints of pure demonic influence, but the fact that the game CD itself harbors the Devil! If you place it into your Playstation (which you should not do), I can testify to the fact that the Devil himself will appear from it and you will play his game. And my-- what a horrible game it is.

Robotic superheroes fight for absolutely no reason! Battle the final boss as the first boss and die without a glimmer of hope! Realize that even though you are presented with many different paths, there is a precise and specific and unknown order in which the game must be played in order to be possible! Observe the wonder of a game that GameFAQs itself cannot sufficiently walk you through; come see this game which is so difficult that Satan himself was devoured in its conception, and that is how he was mass-produced and sold. This game should be burnt on sight.

But that's not even the worst. Do you like dragons? Warriors, perhaps? The two together seem infallible. You can't go wrong with such a strong franchise! That is, until you put first-generation Playstation graphics on a last-generation game, tag it with a 200-hour playthrough time that is essentially the most boring and repetitive game ever, and you've got a recipe for pure shit. Both these games suck so badly that I can't decide which drove me to be the most angry; one put a knife in my hand, the other a gun. Who's to say which piece of shit is shittier? I say we let 'em both have the glory of shit.

And now I'm rambling-- but I'm not shitting you when I say I overused the word 'shit' today.

Wow TS that game sounds like a heaping smoking giant mile of (censored) Satin himself made this game eh' does he get royaltys in hell?

-KingRick

Yeah I played a sports game once. It was a football game, for N64, it actuly wasn't that bad, but it was waayyy to complicated for someone who might just be interested in learning to play Football. I played Rugrats scavenger hunt once too. I'm going to go cry and hold my EB cart now.

Roffle my waffle I remember that game... I was forced to play it with some 5 year olds once when I was babysitting my cousins... I dont remember much afterwards but it was said I went on a 3 month drinking binge after that day... but hey I saw mexico.... I dont remember it but Mexico!

-KingRick

Spyro: Enter the Dragonfly. I swear, I gotta do a game review on this one. It sucks beyond imagination. Insomniac should have kept Spyro and not sold it to people like this. -_-

First off we have a not very creative storyline. Dragonflies? This is nothing like orbs in Avalar. And all that pretty much happens is Ripto come and say "Oh I'm gonna take the dragonflies blah blah blah" and runs off.

The levels are way too long. I mean at least an hour to get through a level, and not including being able to explore and get every piece of treasure in an area. There's 9 levels too. WTF? Why not make a bunch of smaller levels? The levels are boring too, in my opinion.

The mini-game sub level thingies aren't that fun either. It's just a mini-level, nothing fun like shooting stuff with a tank, being Agent 9 or Sargent Byrd. Just... A mini level.

I actually look forward to getting done with a level versus it was a bit longer for more enjoyment. I just wanted to get the stupid thing done to see the ending.

Glitches galore. First one that I noticed quite fast is when you first come out of a portal and start charging right away, Spyro still stands there. But he's still moving and making the charging sound effect. But he's standing. It's like he's floating there with some tape recorded sound effect going on as he moves forward.

Ideas for the levels aren't creative at all. They're pretty much rip offs of the old Spyro games. Nothing new. You even help those thieves that kept stealing dragon eggs in the other games. WTF?? I hate those guys I don't wanna help them (always going na-na-na-na-na! to me >.< )! WTF are these guys thinking anyways?

Oh sure, the graphics look really nice, but that's it. There's some times that the annimation jerks around.

And the one thing that drives me nuts the most... CHARACTERS OUT OF CHARACTER!

First example, Spyro. Quote from the game: "What are you doing here Ripto? This party is invite only!" WTF!! Spyro always, and I mean ALWAYS refer to Ripto as 'Shorty' when he's speaking to him!

Hunter: He's hardly in the game! Usually he's going around helping Spyro out but you see him like once in the game not counting the first cut scene (don't remember what he did, but I think he just told you how to glide -_- ). I mean, come on! Hunter's like a sidekick for Spyro! He's always there helping out in the other games and has fun activities to do!

The one out of character character that bugs me the most... Ripto. I can't STAND how much out of character he is! I mean, jeez he actually has a reason why he wants to mess with Spyro! Usually he's like 'oh cool a place I can take over whee!' and Spyro ruins his plans. It's Spyro that messes with him, not the other way around. The second part contains a spoiler, might as well read it and not bother wasting your time playing the game.

*SPOILER* Ripto is PAINFULLY easy! He was how difficult in Spyro 2! To the point I lost how many lives, I couldn't keep track anymore! This was easy! You can do this with getting hit like once throughout the entire battle. Just shoot and when he goes 'OW!' charge after him when he starts running to another side of the arena. Just keep doing that. Simple as that. And you also gotta switch what power you're using (like the lightning breath or bubble one (WTF? All this does is catch dragonflies...).

After that I was at least expecting some spactacular ending to make it all worth while.

All that happens is that Ripto goes all 'oh I'll be back!' ect. and the screen fades and the credits roll.

...WTF!!! THAT'S IT?! I waited until the credits were completely done, but all that happens is that the game takes you to the title screen... aaaannndddd... That it! That's all that happens! You don't even get to fight Crush or Gulp or anything! You don't even see them aside from the first cut scene along with Bianca! WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?!?! *END OF SPOILER, MIGHT AS WELL READ IT THOUGH*

Alright, that's the end of my rant. I probably will make a game review on this one though. When I'm in a ranting mood.

When I saw weldars NON-essay I was like whoooo! less work for teh Rick.... Then TS and static came and I had to read all of their entrys.... but on the other side at least they were well written no OMG I H8 TIS GAME... I bow to their ranting skills and huggle Static.... I didnt like that game either Static wayyyyy to easy

-KingRick

The worst game I ever played was

SOAPS ADVENTURES IN PANTY RAIDING!

where you play as soap... a one dimentional charactor with a voice lower than barry white...surpriseingly my cat loves him... (soap not barry white)

if you get past the lame graphics and stupid BGM which seems to be some idiot with a recorder whistle.... playing.... link he come to town....?

anyway you get through the game with your redneck partner SV who sells you weapons like... The eyeball launcher or... the shuffle gun....

quiet possible the most horrid game ever...

-175 out of 5

-Rick

Brillient Essay Brillient!... Alright ya got me It was a joke.... but what if there was a game called Soaps adventurers in panty raiding ;)

-KingRick

Well its been a Busy week 5 letters ...No wonder soap didnt feel like doing the mailbag... its massive.... Oh well Im happy to update it for him Keep up the great work N00bs!

-KingRick

Lots and lots of explosives!!! That way, kids will blow stuff up! And, you can attract the teens, too. ;D You also will cause some bugulars, but you can activate the Ronald McDonald button and Ronald will come out!!! He'll use his super happiness attack on the bugulars, and they will be all happy! They might try to shoot him, but his unbearable stupidity will make him invurnable to it! Then he summons the little fury fry people things, and they will sing Ronald themes and drive everyone mad!!! But, it might cause Ronald to think that he has the power to take over the world...and then he does!!! He then makes everyone into fries, and he EATS THEM!!! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! YES, EAT ALL THE PUNY EARTHLINGS!!! Then, Ronald goes to his home planet, Bacosack. I dunno where that is but he lives there. It's where Marshmellows are born. It's where all evil things came from...like Barney and Teletubbies and stuff. Then, it blows up!!! Because Ronald...just did!!! He was stupid and did!!!
! And he blew up every other planet in a chain reaction!!!

And thats how to world went boom!i!

*~|StrawKubby|~*

And the sad thing is, Ronald really is that evil. But kids today are bad enough already, and a evil toy wouldn't help them achieve a more innocent reputation. But McDonald's is also evil for mking kids fat, you know it's their fault and not the fault of the poor, poor people who are forced to buy from them, right? That was sarcasm. Pure and simple. Toodles.

-Soapy

McDonald's hasn't released new toys in Happy Meals in a while. What kinds of stuff should they put in there next?

Well.. I do say! This certainly reminds me of the time back in the winter of 93' when I, driving around in South- well, I'll just tell you the story. ^_^

It was a dark and... um... snowy night in the mountains of South Dakota. I was driving around in my volkswagen bus (LONG LIVE THE GERMAN MAFIA!!!) and as I made my way across the Black Hills, I became slightly... how do you say.. hungry. I noticed a small town in the distance, and illuminating from the pitch black night was a large, tall, luminescent sign with a rather large M on it. It was a yellow M, but I thought it would have looked better blue. Or maybe green.

My hopes raised, I looked down at my gas level. I was almost out of gas. Thankfully, there was a gas station right next to the giant floating M sign. I couldn't wait to get refueled and served. I hadn't eat for 4 whole weeks. Well, except for that can of dry roasted nuts. Those were good.

Digging for my wallet, I felt in my pocket a sharp object. For a minute I was alarmed, but then I realized it was just my house key. I retrieved my wallet and had it armed (also known as "twenties at the ready"), so slowly and steadily I drove up to the drive through window.

I was quite annoyed, for the restaurant was open 23 1/2 hours a day. And it just happened to be the 1/2 hour that I was there, ready to get food. The clock struck 12:13. 17 more minutes until they open. Could I wait that long? I began to look for something to pass the time. I read the signs on the windows. Double Cheeseburger for a dollar. Fries for 99 cents. Pink Suited Man "Happy Meal" toys-

I did a double take.

Unfortunately, the double take involved me accidently smashing my head upon the glass window in the car. I regained my senses and did a real double take.

Pink Suited Man "Happy Meal" toys.

Could it be true? Pink Suited Man "Happy Meal" toys? I couldn't believe it. Could it be possible that Ronald McDonald, master of crime, was somehow linked to the Pink Suited Man? Or was it a coincidence of astronomical proportions? I didn't know, but I did know that I was really dang hungry, and a Double Cheeseburger sounded pretty darn good.

9 minutes. Could my stomach wait any longer? Maybe I had a few nuts left. I checked, but I then remembered that I had thrown the can and the few remaining nuts at a rabid moose that tried to attack me. Least I still had my boots, and that was the most important thing.

3 minutes. How did time fly so fast between here and the last paragraph?

2 minutes. Wow, maybe it's like a time warp or something?

1 minute. Now I was hungry. I felt my stomach trying to digest itself, and I knew I needed to get food as fast as possible. I drove up to the cool ordering board thing and looked it over.

59 seconds. Dang, I thought and drove over to the order board thing AND looked it over in 1 second? Wow, I'm good. ^_^

30 seconds. I knew what I wanted. It was a double cheeseburger with lots of onions and three beef patties, which defied the "double" stereotype, but I liked to break the rules- or traditions -once and then.

23 seconds. I counted these last seven seconds and bit my tongue. I was rather ticked off.

1 second. I decided it'd be best to stop logging my progress since I had to fix my now bleeding tongue.

The menu flickered once or twice, then came to life, like a clock being wound up. I heard an barely understandable voice along with a good deal of static. The voice said, "May I take your order?"

This shocked me! Never once before had I been asked if they could "take" my order. I was quite disturbed, but since I was dying of hunger there on the spot, I gave the man an order. But something.. something seemed familiar about his voice.

"Uh.. yes." I said. "I'd like a double cheeseburger with lots-"

"Sirrr, we don't havee a 'lots' button. We have an 'extra' button, but not a 'lots' button." the voice said from the other end, drawling on like it was a pain to serve me food at 12:30 A.M. "If you'd like me to, I could get the maannnager-"

"No, no, I think I'm perfectly fine. Just push the extra button a bunch of times."

"Oh. That might work..." the drawling voice replied. Where had I heard that voice before? I knew I knew it... but from where? "Continue your order, sirr."

"Okay." I replied, and started where I had been so rudely cut off. "-of onions and three-"

"Siirrr.. I need you to start all over. Sorry for any-", (at this point he sniffed really loudly, as if he had a really bad cold) "- inconvenience."

I sighed, but as much as I wanted that food, I held my temper and started over, and thought about giving the man a kleenex.

"Okay, okay. I'd like a double cheeseburger with lots- I mean, extra extra extra extra extra extra onions and instead of two beef patties, I'd like to have 3 or maybe even four."

I heard some sniffling, and nose being blown and an annoyed wiping.

"Sirr... please start over. I was-" (he sneezed at this point) "bloowwwing my noosseee." the droning voice replied to me, sounding more droning than usual.

I was steaming, but I calmed down, and reordered, and decided that I would add something to my order.

"Okay, okay, for the last time. You listening?"

"Yes." the droning voice replied.

"I'd like a double cheeseburger with lots, well, you know, extra extra extra extra extra extra extra onions and three or four beef patties instead of two, and give me a cheeseburger kids meal too, if you would."

"What kinda drink would you like with that happy-" (he didn't sound happy all, I thought) "-meal?"

"Um.. iced tea?"

"Sirrr.. what kind of kid drinks Iced Tea at midnight?"

"Um, that was for me."

"You're a kid?"

"No, I ordered a kids meal." I said, still trying to keep my calm.

"OHH, right."

I couldn't believe this man's stupidity. I heard a good deal of clicking, a sneeze (or was it two sneezes? I couldn't tell) and blowing, and the droning voice returned to tell me to, "Please pull through to the second window, sirr."

So I did.

And upon reaching the window, I got my food and drove off into the night.

Then i opened my happy meal, the Pink suited man jumped out and tried to get me, but I got away. The end.

P.S. the last bit was written in a rush so soapr would get this today XP

-Weldar

Another one of these essays and I'll have to make separate archives pages, man, WUIT MAKING ME WORK SO HARD!!!!111 Ahem. Very interesting, I am assuming that this pink-suited man is indeed identical to the previous one, which means that Steve is in our happy meals? Now that's a scary thought, I think you've scarred me for life...

Oh, and you're lucky I update late in the day, you should write these things earlier, yah?

-Soapy

Two. But Weldar's was the length of two so I'm content. Less work for me. I guess the average will hang around three a week for a while...

-Soapy

Steve? I think not...the answer to this is obviously...Rick!!! Yes Rick...I MEAN HE TRIED TO BLOW UP THE EARTH, and he causes teh weathar to cause us to all drown...unless...RICK IS RELLY STEEV IN DISGUYS?!? OH NOS I GIVE YOU STABING!!! *Stab gave* Mwuahhahahahaha I r keeled yu XO.

~StrawKubby

If Rick is Steve, than I will piss my pants right now. And my pants remain dry. I highly doubt they could be one and the same, seeing as they're always fighting in #TheDailyPOS and just generally not being friends. Unless they're like a man with two heads or something like in that one movie where the racist southerner's head got put on the black man's body... that would be hilarious as a fanfic or something, Rick and Steve on one body. Somebody go do that.

-Soapy

How's the weather? It's been wacky lately, who's to blame? Probably Steve, but if you can prove me wrong, please do.

I can't. Steve is the nexus of all evil. No, wait, that's Satan. Then who is Steve? Isn't that the guy on the Telletubies? Or maybe he's the guy on the oatmeal box? I donno, I'm so confused.

-Insomniacdude

I wouldn't even put Steve in the same evilness category as the Teletubbies. I know he's mean and all, but at least he has a nice side sometimes. Weather he is to blame for the whether (LOLZ!!!!!11) or not I'm not sure. And the guy on the oatmeal box isn't so bad, I find him rather friendly. I mean, he has a scary exterior, but on the inside he's a little boy searching for a friend. :(

-Soapy

"How's the weather? It's been wacky lately, who's to blame? Probably Steve, but if you can prove me wrong, please do."

Well.. I can tell you who is to blame and who isn't! For I am Weldar! And Weldar means me!

It all started about 40 years ago...

I was sitting in my small one roomed apartment flat waiting for the van to come when suddenly I heard a knock on my door. At this time in life I wasn't lazy, so I got up from my bed (which was nearly falling apart), walked past the record player (which was playing "I Am The Walrus" by that one group from Liverpool) and opened the door. A tall man in a dark pink suit coat was on the other side, and immediately he ran into my room and kicked my record player, effectively knocking the player itself into the wall and the record (somehow :0) into his open arms. He turned around and said to me in a deep, dark, and somehow pink voice, "'Dis belongs to yous?". At this point I was quite annoyed already. A man in a dark pink suit bursted into my room and caused my record to stop playing at my favorite spot, which goes "Expert texpert choking smokers, don't you think the joker laughs at you?" But it only got as far as "choking smokers". The cruel irony of the situation is the fact that the joker was laughing at me, I saw him through the open window to the right of the man in the dark pink suit. Seeming equally annoyed at the joker, the pink suited man pulled a revolver out of his pocket and shot the joker, who died laughing since the revolver misfired and caught part of the dark pink suit on fire.

I tried reaching for the record so I could jump out the window and out of harms way, but the man grabbed my hand and held it tight. I swung my foot up and around ninjaish style and pounded him in the head. Unfortunately, his head was harder than my foot, and as he toppled over, the record went flying. In a leap of faith, I jumped and grabbed at the record, catching it and sailing through the open window, over the joker, over a row of flowers my elderly neighbor planted, over my elderly neighbor and onto her house, just barely missing the dancing hippo wind vane. I was save! I had my record and was away from the pink man... or was I? I looked back to see the pink suited man jump in a pink car and drive off! "I must be safe now," I thought, "If he drove off like that." But he didn't drive off like that. He drove off like this, which means he would be coming back after stopping at a fast food restaurant and getting something evil and sinister to attack me with.

I thought things over and decided to run for it. Again.

I ran and ran and ran and ran. I even ran errands. But I did not out-run the pink suited man, who nearly plowed me over in his pink car of doom. I did catch the license plate, however, and sent it into the police right away.

After taking an amazingly long time to call 911 (which I had forgotten the number for) I met the man in the pink suit. He pulled out his wallet and showed me his identity card- his name was.... STEVE. I jumped back in horror. What an amazingly obscure name to have been named? Oh well, least I knew that not many people were named Weldar... 'Cept crazy hicks from New Orleans. When I thought I was done for (he had pulled out the revolver again and was pointing it the wrong way) a group of four men drove up and whisked me off to safety. They said something about being famous. but I'm not really sure.

Anyway that goes to illustrate that not all people named steve case major weather disturbances. In-fact, the last one was caused by a guy in Jamaica named Kumnia Walawaski. So yeah. This is the part where you give me money. Lots of it. In change. And dollar bills. Mostly twenties. I like those new twenties.

-Weldar

You'll get no money from me, punk. Especially not the new twenties, seeing as I own none of them. Joke's on you, joker! Yeah, I bet you were the joker in disguise, and the joker was you in disguise. Then the Mystery Machine appeared and pulled off the joker's (your) mask, revealing the goblin from Homestar Runner. It's always him. You can't deny it. Oh, and Steve probably wouldn't be caught dead in a pink suit. Although that would be rather hilarious to see...

-Soapy

It's hot 'cause I'm down south.

P.S. I'll be back soon, I know you all miss me, try not to cry too much, dehydration is bad. Oh yeah, I saw the Cat in the Hat yesterday, it rocked. Did you see it? Super Hydrolic Instant Transportation yay.

-STAREYe

Yeah, it's hot in November, the south sucks doesn't it? It's just now getting in the fifties, which is probably like AAAH HOT to you. I know because it is to me. ;) And don't ask why the forums went down, if I have to explain that to one more person I'm gonna kill myself. :(

-Soapy

'Eyyy, four letters this time, including one uber-lenghty essay from Weldar that I enjoyed reading. This is good, folks, let's go for five letters next week. I know you can do it!

-Soapy