Print

So I got some imagefests for you fellas, just sit back and let the good times roll.



If only I knew how much I'd need a health and safety warning.



First up is this vile pile. Let's take a look at the credits first to see who made this game...



This is a full credits sequence. It goes through the entire thing and doesn't let you stop it. The only way I got through it in a timely manner was with the emulator speed key. Oh, wondering if the girls are animated? Of course they are! Check out these sweet moves.









Time to get to the meat of the game. I hope there's meat to this game.

Alright, you got me. I don't hope there's meat. It's fucking Bratz.



the talent to SUCK MY DICK



Teacher lady welcomes us to this school we're going to.

Miss Anjele: As you already know, Sotherby is an elite summer school for gifted students, and you are here because you are among the most talented young people in the country.

talented at SUCKING MY DICK






Also talented at looking the goddamn same. In motion when playing the game, it really looks like the face stays still and the colors around it change.




Gotta have some... boyz? to give our bratz something to crush on.



Watch out for this prankster. He'll put a whoopee cushion on your favorite chair the moment you turn around to reapply your lipstick.







Haha Jade, you clown.



Speaking of Jade, I think I'll pick her for this game. Definitely a Homestuck reference here too, amirite?



HAHA YOU WALK LIKE A GIRL

Or run. B is a run button. It doesn't change the animation, though.



Just a boring ol' pause menu. No status screen or equipment menu or anything of the sort. Bummer.



There's an action icon that lets you know you can open a door or talk to some nigga you don't give a fuck about.



Maybe if they'd decorate the rooms instead of their faces... just sayin'...



In the deluxe version of this game, these plants are psychoactive drugs that you can eat to have some out-of-this-world experiences. But in this version they just sit there and look bad.



...board in front of your dorm room and press the A Button.

Alright, really just showing this to show there are more NPCs than that one guy.



Here's a nice stage for getting your glam on? Maybe?



Nothing interesting transpires in this chat at all.



Some rival bitches or something, I don't remember.



They look slightly different.




talented at SUCKING MY DICK



Anyway, more shit happens and I come over here and talk to this Bratz.



Sure?



A card matching game. Seems right for Bratz.



It's also easy as fucking fuck and has about the most boring game music I've heard in ages. Really, check this out.

Click to load

Eventually I lose on purpose to make it stop.



No, not really...



The Bratz' fates are in your hands now, reader! Carry the torch!


----***** MORE IMAGEFEST POSTS COMING SOON ****------

From the distant planet of Paragon Five...



woowwwaaaooowwhooooaaaoowwww



Also Jaleco, they made this...



It's Karnaaj! Good thing they left the guy from the box art off of the title screen.



 



Time to start a career in this garbage.



Yep.







No funny names this time, guys!



whoa now













They didn't put the guy from the cover but boy fucking howdy did they make an honest effort.







Let's career it up.



Elite, huh? I can dig it.



To reach the top you have to be the best.



Aw, how nice of Mr. Leppa to give us stuff to start off with.



Nonsense. Everyone knows fast cars win races.



Anything, up to and including freaky guys with blue hair.



Let's see, we can pick this...



...or this wooden thing...



...or THE MOTHERFUCKING FLINTSTONES CAR. YABBA DABBA LET'S DO THIS.



I colored it red, because beating me is as hard as squeezing blood from a stone?



Here's a menu for doing things between races.



I spend money to buff my... engine. You mean leg muscles, right?



They're prehistoric theming this game something fierce.



That's right, everyone. This is one of those old Micro Machines-styled games.



yabba dabba admire the landscape



yabba dabba drive into a rock



yabba dabba pass this guy under the bridge



It feels like I'm driving on some weird model of a racetrack.



Record lap, but that's not saying much. I'm doing pretty badly. The controls are a little rough for a keyboard, and I hadn't even figured out the shoulder buttons for rockets and mines yet.



Driving over "MONEY" gives you a bit of bonus cash after the race. Guess they couldn't come up with an icon for money?



So I finish third... not bad? I guess?



Yep, you got me good, DJ Star...



gettin paper



Look at these cool racing dudes. Wow these racing dudes sure are cool.



Wait, isn't that the track I was just at?



Looking pretty palette-swapped, just like that one guy's hair.



Karnaaj ensues as I pick a fight with this dude.



over the river



and through the woods



to DAMN IT WILL YOU GUYS JUST STOP ALREADY? I'M TRYING TO WIN OVER HERE. THANKS.



Whipping out some Initial D-level cornering here...



stop dude

just stop

stop



He didn't stop. He goed. I didn't go enough. This happened because of it.

Well, that's enough of that game.

-----**** ONE MORE POST COMING, WOWZERS, WONDER WHAT GAME IT IS ****-----

I bet you're already not looking forward to this game!



yep



Alright...



...well?



Oh, turns out I can move. No opening cutscene or anything of the sort. Anyway, these dorks just do their thing...






Turns out this is the menu. When you turn off music/sound, they stop moving, and the difficulty monkey goes from sitting to flexing to beating his chest to show what difficulty you're on. Kind of neat, I guess?



Just searching the bushes for some of them multi-player games...



Guess this is where I need to be.



Keep your nyambo to yourself.






the gift to SUCK MY DICK





This is it! This is Africa! Say hi to Africa, everyone!

HI, AFRICA!



I'd go save myself (?) but this bush is in the way. Gosh darn it!



if human evolve from monkys, then why is george busha  monkey?




Gotta start somewhere, I guess.





that went well



Actually, the game's not that bad. The helicopter flies around and sometimes will descend upon a cub and you have to pick it up and carry it away before the poachers get it. And while you do that they fly to another cub.



There are also items that speed you up or whatever.



Eliza's power is to talk to animals. The poachers' power is to fly in place and do nothing for like five seconds.



And then it sloooowly descends.



Anyway, saving the cubs results in a congratulatory message from your ol' pop, Nigel.



And here's the password if you want to continue. See you next mission!

Click to load

--***** end imagefest palooza luv ya!!!! *----

Carnage (not even going to bother figuring out how to spell that) has some fucking amazing design right there. Also, was that supposed to be the drama masks in that match card game?

Carnage (not even going to bother figuring out how to spell that) has some fucking amazing design right there. Also, was that supposed to be the drama masks in that match card game?

The thing I see wrong with Karnaaj is that the camera is a bit close to the car and it'd be really difficult for you to figure out where you are supposed to be going.

Yeah, drama masks would be my guess, too. Along with shoes, music notes, lipstick, and thread and needle (for sewing up the latest fashions, no doubt), they're everything that represents your typical teenage girl. There were probably more cards to be discovered but I didn't play long enough to find out.

I think Karnaaj would actually control alright if I was playing on a GBA or a pad instead of the keyboard. It's got those controls where left/right is from your car's point of view. (i.e. they're basically rotate buttons) The handling is wild as fuck if you're not careful.

Karnaaj looks like a prehistoric version of Death Rally (which is freeware these days and can be downloade'd here)